Friday, August 7, 2009

W T(wilight) F

I watched Twilight last night.  I heard so much trash talk going on regarding this book/film--including Stephen King insulting the book's author, Stephenie Meyer--that I was compelled to download part of it online.  Let me just say, the first half hour section was priceless.  Improper grammar within a hopeless script, godawful acting, horrendous overdone camera panning... I was laughing the whole way through.
What trumped all the other awful aspects of this movie were the songs they chose to play.  In my mind, I hear[d] all of this music.  And it [broke] my heart.  And it [broke] my hea-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-art (sry 4 copyright infringement Regina Spector, I needed your help for dramatic effect...).
Strike one, pun intended (huhuh, cause they're playing baseball when this song plays... get it?!/1);
Muse-Supermassive Black Hole.
Alright, this song was extremely repetitive and got old quickly.  It was also pretty obnoxious to those who had to deal with it during its incessant radio debut.  (Replace all the Kings of Leon songs you hear on the radio now with that one; you'll have a pretty good idea of what stations played it and how much).  Regardless, I didn't think it's appropriate for a tween/pre-teen/teenage girl chick flick.  It offered a rather badass backdrop, that would have perfectly complemented an exciting scene.  Somehow, though, the ten mile hits and running vampires weren't really that cool.  

Iron & Wine-Flightless Bird, American Mouth
Sam Beam, epic beard, epic skills.  Iron & Wine, excellent music.
However, WHAT THE HELL?  There are better songs by Iron & Wine!  There are worse bands to defile!  There are better songs for a prom!
I mean, shit, I'd have loved to hear a good Iron & Wine song at prom.  "Upward Over the Mountain" would have probably depressed the hell out of my date, but that song is awesome.  More applicably, "The Sea and the Rhythm" would have been neat, albeit a little fast for a slow dance, but "Flightless Bird, American Mouth," why?
Would it have been danceable?  Well, the initial tempo would have been accurate enough for a slow dance, but that only lasted for about a minute.  The tempo picked up after that point, and--were it real life--dancers would have been stuck in the awkward "do I dance fast or slow to this?" state.  It has a syncopated rhythm, too, which would have complicated dancing.  Anyone who has been to a high school dance in the last ten years knows that todays youth aren't particularly skilled dancers.  So, uh, no.  It wouldn't have been danceable.  Why the hell would you have played it at a dance, then?  Whoever was the DJ for the Fork's (main setting of Twilight) prom must have lacked foresight.
There was no reason to taint Iron & Wine by putting this song in Twilight, other than a half-baked attempt at being cool by playing indie music.  They should have played Cindy Lauper or some shit.

Radiohead- 15 Steps.
Thom Yorke is very talented.  Radiohead has been becoming more popular.  He earns his popularity, props.  Seriously, almost everything he puts out has some value to it.  Make no mistake, he can still be criticized for a few things, like his generally simple guitar playing.  Minor characteristics aside, he's a solid artist.
It was one of the most perfect feelings in the world hearing "Black Swan" at the end of the film A Scanner Darkly.  The ending of Twilight had the complete opposite effect.  
Other than the near constant level of how horrible the movie was, it was dynamic. 15 Steps had no reason to play.  "How could I end up where I started."  Um, What?  In the beginning of the movie Bella was a hot chick talking to herself outside her home in Phoenix.  At the end, she was dancing with a stalker vampire to a nonsensical Iron & Wine song at prom a few nights after dismembering a dude named James and burning his pieces in a bonfire in the center of a dance studio.  ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE AT THE BEGINNING AGAIN?!
When this song played, contrasted by "Black Swan" at the end of "A Scanner Darkly" it was as if to say "This moment be really f@&*ing awesome if this movie was any good."The credits might just be interesting enough to stare at until this is over."
When the credits started, my feelings on this matter were obviously supported as Ryan and I looked at each other wide-eyed and yelled "WHATTHEFUCK NO!!!" We proceeded to turn the TV off as quickly as we could.  We joked about cutting the DVD up into little pieces and burning them like they do to bad vampires in the movie.  It wasn't funny.  We didn't laugh.

What legitimate fan of these bands likes when a mass of people are all in love with one mediocre song by a group with much more to offer, on sole account that they were in a sparking vampire movie?  Twilight is using it's mainstream fangs to suck the world dry of the good music like a sparkly sex offender vampire whose personal brand of heroin is indie music (and Muse).
See ya, I have to go cry.  This stirred up too much emotion.
Keep reading and don't forget to keep checking.
Hold tight until next time... spider monkeys.

PS; I found this comment online regarding "Flightless Bird, American Mouth."  I thought it was worth reading.
"I think this song is absolutely beautiful. I play it constantly. I picture the dance that Bella and Edward share with with all the poison and torture that Edward feels as he is pulling her closer to him as he kisses her so softly with all of his heart Didnt care about the lyrics, because I didnt understand the meaning behind them. The melody is just to beautiful to resist. But with all of the explanations that I have read, I really believe it is up for each listener's interpretation. It makes sense. That makes it even more "special"."


  1. As the resident Radiohead guru, it's "15 Step." Singular style. Also, entertaining article. Luckily, I didn't have to suffer through the movie to come to these conclusions.

  2. i googled that shit and it came up as 15 step.
    i meant to type that.
    i didn't

    i feel the need to pluralize things such as alex fields' name